Something eye opening happened last night. I received a message from a friend in need. She told me that she had been thinking of me lately because of my posts on Facebook, so she wanted to reach out. Not to say hi, we really don't know each other that well (even though I loved taking classes with her and learning about makeup :) ) but to tell me...that she lost her dad yesterday. Tragically, unexpectedly, unfairly. There are so many uncertainties in this life. I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but when something like this happens, who the hell cares about the reason. However, I now know why I met this friend and I hope when she can, that she finds peace in the reason she met me. Was looking through my journals and found this. This was two months before my dad died while we were in the midst of things. It's okay to feel certain things. It's okay to not feel like yourself. This is the most terrified you will ever be in your life. Express it and be accepting of it, then pick yourself back up when you are ready.
10/12/14
I'm feeling really outside of myself
Like I want to kill myself
Feelings no longer, just replaced by numbness
How is someone suppose to live like this
Nothing to make me feel better
Because even "better" is not what it seems
Just a face to put on
Wishing for the night to come to get lost in your dreams
Literally lost today
No matter how much I drink
Can't shake this emptiness
Don't know what to think
Just want to sleep it off
Forget that it's there
Barely able to take breaths while lying there
Alone in my bed
When darkness arrives
When nothing makes sense
When no thought can dry my eyes
Feeling so lost
Not even sure of my intentions
Putting on a smile each day
Too much dark truth to mention...
10/12/14
I'm feeling really outside of myself
Like I want to kill myself
Feelings no longer, just replaced by numbness
How is someone suppose to live like this
Nothing to make me feel better
Because even "better" is not what it seems
Just a face to put on
Wishing for the night to come to get lost in your dreams
Literally lost today
No matter how much I drink
Can't shake this emptiness
Don't know what to think
Just want to sleep it off
Forget that it's there
Barely able to take breaths while lying there
Alone in my bed
When darkness arrives
When nothing makes sense
When no thought can dry my eyes
Feeling so lost
Not even sure of my intentions
Putting on a smile each day
Too much dark truth to mention...
It's gonna be a roller coaster of emotions. Like I said, take your time.
Be easy on yourself.
(10/12/14 a small panic attack later...)
Writing and music
The only things to bring me back
To who I am, to who I was
To remind me of the good things I should be thinking of
Feeling better
Eyes are a little more open
Heart full of sadness while I am still hoping
For something that no longer exists
Gone forever
A pain that can not be relieved
No matter how much you cry
Even though I can't anymore
Because it's a waste of time
No longer a way out
Just a way to get by...
Be easy on yourself.
(10/12/14 a small panic attack later...)
Writing and music
The only things to bring me back
To who I am, to who I was
To remind me of the good things I should be thinking of
Feeling better
Eyes are a little more open
Heart full of sadness while I am still hoping
For something that no longer exists
Gone forever
A pain that can not be relieved
No matter how much you cry
Even though I can't anymore
Because it's a waste of time
No longer a way out
Just a way to get by...